Scattered Ashes

All right. This has been brewing all day so prepare for some profanity and choice words. No, this is not about politics or economics or the medja. It's far more serious than all that. It’s the state of the Australian cricket team and the current Ashes Test series scoreline, which is just not cricket!

One-nil going into the third test of a five test series doesn’t sound that bad. But if you’ve been following the cricket on a day-to-day basis you would actually feel that we are three down at the moment given the shellacking we’ve received.

Not sure how that is mathematically possible but I’m sure you get the drift. Because we’ve been thoroughly outplayed and to use a quaint English phrase, ‘we’ve had our pants pulled down’. Past our knees. To our ankles. And now over our feet.

Personally, I hate when commentators rant and criticise but can’t provide any possible solutions or suggestions themselves. So I’m going to take on the role of Head Selector of Australian Cricket (that Hilditch bloke has run his race) and pick my team for the next Test. Bearing in mind it’s in Perth and must be won to give ourselves any chance of bringing the Urn back home.

I will say though that I’ve erred on the side of what is likely to occur rather than who I would like to be picked (new blood needed if you ask me) as it is for this Test only and I don’t see the selectors making any major changes.

The Nah Seriously First XI for the Third Test therefore looks like this:

Shane Watson

Shaun Marsh

Ricky Ponting ©

Michael Clarke

Michael Hussey

David Hussey

Brad Haddin

Mitchell Johnson

Ryan Harris

Peter Siddle

Doug Bollinger

Now this team does have some problems I admit. Its bowling attack contains those who have failed abysmally so far and delivered only 16 wickets in two tests. Which isn’t great when you consider they would have needed to take 40 to win them. And it takes some experience out of the side in giving debuts to Marsh and D. Hussey while Harris has still only played a handful of tests thus far.

Katich would have been picked if he wasn’t injured so a big loss there in experience, fight and grit (not many cricketers would have said no to a runner in his circumstance). Ultimately I’d like to see Watson bat down the order but with The Kat out we need him to open and hopefully build on his standard practice of at least getting to 50.

The selection of Marsh might be a bit out-of-the-box but he has an average of 85 in domestic cricket this year and is coming off a hundred just last week. Not too mention he is a Sandgroper himself and would find himself right at home in Perth. Quite literally actually.

Punter stays at first drop just because there’s no-one else vaguely capable but I’d also like to see him down the order eventually as he’s lost some of the reflexes required of a No. 3. Such a move prolonged the careers of the likes of Steve Waugh and Allan Border so no face would be lost if that actually comes to fruition in the end.

M. Hussey is a no-brainer given his form and brother D. Hussy gets his chance in place of Marcus North after piling on the runs for a number of years and currently sitting second on the ‘total runs scored’ list in the Shield comp. North’s average of 30-odd just isn’t good enough and he has failed to hold his wicket at crucial times when he’s been needed the most.

Clarke only hangs on by the skin of his teeth after his fightin’ 80 in the second innings at Adelaide although that skin is getting very thin indeed by getting himself out to a part-timer in the last over of the day. Hardly screamed ‘future skipper’ that.

Bowling-wise, as I said, the names above do not fill me with much confidence at all but like the Kamikaze during the last days of the Japanese Empire, they’re the best we’ve got at the moment.

Harris definitely remains after the Adelaide debacle as he was the only one who could hold his head even vaguely high. Just praying his dodgy knee holds up though and noted that Punter didn’t bowl him at all yesterday morning so perhaps there is reason for some concern there.

Siddle and Bollinger stay in as well as I’m hoping they can’t bowl any worse again and for a bouncy and fast Perth track. But then again, that would probably suit the English bowling lineup even more. Alas, Sid Vicious and The Champers get another chance as no-one else is really banging on the selection door except for maybe Peter George (SA) and Trent Copeland (NSW) but I think they are still a little too green.

Johnson to return as well because…because…because…well, I’m not sure why actually. Maybe I’m just hoping for a miracle recovery after going ‘back to school’ this last week with his bowling coach.

No spinner selected could be controversial I know but it is Perth and should therefore be more for the fast bowlers. It’s not like we have any match-winners in that department anyway.

So, that’s my team for the Third Test in Perth. As Australians, it’s not only our right but also our duty to debate these sorts of selections so feel free to discuss and disagree in the comments section.

It may also be worth mentioning that I think the Australian cricket team is going to look mighty different in 12 months time as a youth policy will surely occur after the probable loss of the Ashes and mass retirements of senior players. Names such as Usman Khawaja, Steve Smith, Tim Paine and Peter George should therefore be more prominent.

Perhaps not a bad thing in the end as a ‘rebuild’ could make for some interesting cricket over the next 2-3 years and hopefully mean normally programming is resumed (us as No. 1) by the time of the next Ashes series on these shores in 2014-15.

Oh my. Can’t believe I’m having to look that far forward.

Yours in drastically changing expectations,

EDM.